April 29th, Instant:
Today is not a good day for me. It started yesterday when I had a wicked headache brought on by sheer exhaustion due to lack of sleep and nightmares. I couldn’t get out of my own way and the best laid plans of mice and men went to Hades in a hand-basket.
Last night, my dearly beloved went to the ER because he was having stroke symptoms. Lucky for him (?) he’ll be in the hospital at least until tomorrow being check out. I spent a pain-filled sleepless night *again* although the nightmares weren’t there. Who needs a nightmare when you have your other half missing?
Frankly, today I have been struggling with a lot of emotions I thought I’d never feel. Helplessness for one. I’m generally a pretty self-sufficient person. I rarely ask for help and am quite capable of taking care of myself and others if need be. But today… For the first time in a VERY long time, I feel like life is completely out of my control. I’ve said more prayers in one day than I’ve said in a very long time. “Pray without ceasing” could be my motto for the day.
Here’s some of the things that have been floating randomly through my mind today when I was eating lunch – alone – at what is generally my favorite restaurant (and which my dear husband doesn’t much care for)…
Food just doesn’t taste right. I ordered my favorite meal and it just was *there*. It was neither good nor bad. It just was.
I feel like half a person – as if I’ve lost half of me. I don’t feel *all there*. I was sitting there thinking and my body seemed diminished somehow.
Sounds around me seem very distant and far off. It’s like hearing from a long way off.
Dazed and confused – like I’m wandering in haze – no purpose or direction.
Thinking about the unthinkable and wondering how I’d cope if it were to happen.
Trying to avoid the above thoughts because I just can’t cope with that right now.
Even retail therapy doesn’t work. I had errands to run that were time sensitive and even a trip to my *favorite* store couldn’t brighten my mood. I just went in, got what I came for and left. Not even 50% off could tempt me to look around.
Visiting my beloved in the hospital was an odd experience. This isn’t the first time he’s been hospitalized with this kind of thing, but this time is different. The symptoms were different and so on. This time was a “for real” kind of thing and freaked the ever-loving daylights out of me. I’m not sure how soon I’ll be “normal” again – if I ever will.
When I went to Confession right around Easter, my priest counseled me to always look at my husband and children as blessings – even if I was put out and about to lose my temper – because not everyone has a loving and supportive spouse. He said that God had truly blessed me and I should always remember that. It’s times like these that really drive that point home.
Do me a favor – don’t take anything in life for granted. You never know when it might be gone.