Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Writer's Block

It happens. I know this. But this is more than just being unable to push the words out.

I'm looking for words that don't exist. And even if they did, they're somewhere in the fog that surrounds my brain.

Some people have "those days". You know the ones. I've been having "those days" for almost three years. It's like moments of clarity in a sea of confusion. And no, I don't need to get "Claritin clear". If I thought it was allergies, I'd have been all over the pharmaceuticals like Limbaugh on oxycodone.

I've had a slew of minor health ... challenges ... that have kept me feeling less than 100% for what seems like an eternity. 8.9 years isn't an eternity is it? Without going into the gory details, let's just say there's still something wrong that has yet to be diagnosed. And I'm going to get a diagnosis if it's the last thing my HMO does.

The reality is, it doesn't matter what the underlying cause is. I still have this layer of fog that settles in like a mean mother-in-law with a steamer trunk and nothing better to do than criticise, oh, EVERYTHING about you.

The thing about that is that it scares the ever-loving FOOL out of me. As much as I don't want the biatch hanging around, I don't feel able at this moment to kick her bloated keister to the kerb. And that frightens me, too.

When a strong personality suddenly isn't strong anymore, then what? It's like loosing a part of one's self. Or all of one's self. Sure there are the parts that the outside world can see: Mother, daughter, wife, internet BFF, co-worker. But those don't define who one is. Not really. And there are the things one is noted for like one's hobbies. But beyond the photoshop junkie, kick-ass cake baker and the intrepid seamstress, what's left?

It sucks to feel like the tiny burger patty on the bun of life.

I could go on and on about the feeling of being isolated and blahblahwhatEVER, but the reality is that we ARE isolated these days. It's not easy being a stay-at-home-schooling mother to a precocious 6 year old, 5 year old athlete and 3 year old train dude. And we're supposed to WANT to do it. We're supposed to LOVE it, LIVE it, BREATHE, EAT & SLEEP it!!! Or we're bad. Or something.

Sure the KIDS get socialised. THEY get dance class and sewing class and library day and zoo camp and dance camp and whatnot. But me? I don't even rate a Christmas gift. I'm not bitter. No indeedy. But it's also not like I can GO anywhere. See, the kids get picked up and dropped off at their activities by my mom. But I still don't go anywhere because, well, the train dude is too small for all that stuff AND I have no transportation unless I borrow a parental-unit's car (not easily done due to scheduling reasons) or take the bus AND usually I've got at least one of the kids if not two or three of them in tow ALWAYS. I've got beef with the bus. I like our busses. Except for the fact that the 15 minute car ride to my doctor's office turns into TWO HOURS by bus. Even scheduling a doctor's appointment is a royal pimple on my heiny.

To those moms who say they never need "me time", I applaud you. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. If I don't get "me time", I turn into this:

1 comment:

meridith said...

i'm so sorry to hear that you have gone through so many medical issues and still have unanswered questions. could it be a form of depression that brings the fog? that's just the first thought that comes to mind. i hope and pray you find relief and answers. wish we lived closer and could hang out.