What Not To Wear...

...or the story of my life. Let's face it, girls. Clothing manufacturers are out to get us. Or, if they aren't, they're doing a FINE job of hiding it. Like this season's "hottest" new look. The Audrey Hepburn-inspired look. Now don't get me wrong, I think Audrey Hepburn was GORGEOUS and her style was so classic. On her. But pencil skirts and slim cut trousers look good on just about NO ONE. At least not the "average" American woman (a size 12 if you believe the media). I'm willing to bet the "average" American woman is more like a size 22 (at least from the sampling in MY area of the country).

So what's a curvy girl to wear? Well, I'm a loss. Really. If it weren't that I'm taking happy pills to even me out and help my anxiety and depression, a quick rummage through my dresser and closet most likely would've sent me off to the funny farm for sure. Let's just say in the last 6 years I've gained *roughly* 40 pounds. Give or take a pound or 10. In my defense, I can honestly say IT'S ALL MY HUSBAND'S FAULT. Or not. Actually, I gained that weight gradually over the course of 6 years and 3 pregnancies. And I can feel it ALL OVER my body.

So, taking stock of what WAS in my dresser and closet we *had*:

• A pile of maternity clothes as tall as I am. That's 5'2" if anyone is interested. And I don't plan on being pregnant in the NEAR future even if those clothes do look good on me!
• A garbage bag FULL of negligees, PJs, pantyhose, girdles and the like.
• A few blouses that won't fit over the boobs any more. Breastfeeding grew mine and they just won't shrink. Gee... That's too bad isn't it?

In my closet, I had a stash of dresses - maternity dresses that is. And as much as I "heart" my maternity clothes, by 6 months post-partum, it's time to retire them.

We have a very small closet (1920s vintage) and so my husband (the clothes-horse) takes up all but about 6" worth of closet rod. Luckily (?!) I don't own much that needs hanging, so it's not that big of a deal.

I'm on a quest for clothes that FIT and FLATTER. And this is *so* not about vanity. It's about practicality and sanity. It's a little known fact that if you look better, you feel better. So psychologically speaking, if you wear clothes that look good on you should feel good, right? RIGHT! So what happens when all your clothes make your friends want to call up the folks a Ambush Makeover, What Not To Wear and shows like them? They make you feel like CRAP. That's what. And I'm SO not about that feeling.

Now my quest may be Quixotic. I'm hoping not, though. I'm arming myself with a decent battery of vintage patterns, a decent working knowledge of how to sew and a fistful of coupons to Joann Fabrics. I figure with these, I can create something a little unique ( <-- a GOOD thing) that will be classic and FIT fergoodnesssakes. 'Cause there's no amount of medication in the world that will cure the despondency that happens when you try to shop in the department that fits your style but doesn't fit your size.

Stay tuned for "Project Runway: The Incredible Adventure of a Girl and Her Sewing Machine"