Goodbye Cruel World!

I’ve come to the realisation that Anne Shirley/Blythe – irrepressible heroine of LM Montgomery’s “Anne of Green Gables” series has been a model for me unwittingly. While I’ve always marched to the beat of my own orchestra, I never fully understood the impact that the Anne Books had on my life until I began re-reading them lately. To say I see so much of Anne in Me or Me in Anne would be – somehow – and understatement. I know that I identified with Anne as a young girl. Most likely because she was an orphan and I was essentially an orphan – never knowing my biological parents.

I reveled in her escapades and the simple life of P.E. Island created such an impression on me that as I sit here in my 80+ year old home writing my “life-book” I see how much Anne has shaped my life. Granted, I’m not a slender auburn-haired beauty with grey eyes, but I think in my own way I’m what some people would call beautiful.

I love my home and "simple" life. And in a way I long for simpler times. I presume that is why when I settled down, I chose a small, quaint town with a town square and lovely historic homes on a large lake that is part of a main waterway. Perhaps subconsciously, I had moved to “my” Avonlea with its’ Lake of Shining Waters.

I revel in the joy of taking my children into our expansive yard and letting them frolic under the trees. As I watch them at play, I’m transported to a time when children roamed safely and freely about and took exercise under the wide sky with no raging fear of two-legged “predators” and scraped knees were a common occurrence. It gives me great joy to see the flush of sun-kissed cheeks and smell the little-girl-who-has-been-playing-outside smell.

My windows are flung wide to the balmy breezes of early fall and the dappled shadows play on the walls of my children’s room as they build castles and cakes and let their imaginations run wild. Technology has not spoiled my children as it has so many others. While overhead fans gently turn to move the fresh air from floor to ceiling and back the baby lies in his crib watching the fan blades turn and giggles at them. Who knows what thoughts he thinks at this tender age? It is quite evident he is a great thinker for you can see the “wheels turn” in his head.

All my children have been inveterately curious. A hundred and one times a day I hear “Mommy, why does…?”, “Why is …?” “Is that …?” “How does that …?” To be sure, it tries my patience at times to be looked upon as the Oracle of Delphi. I’m merely Mommy, Mother, Mom. I’m not the wisest person in the world – even though at times I pretend to be.

As I made my bed this morning, I found myself walking backward in time and wondering if the family who first lived here had a bedstead like ours. Ours is solid cast iron (it weighs more than I do and that’s considerable) and is roughly the right time period, although it could predate the Turn of the (19th) Century. With it’s freshly laundered white sheets (organic bamboo) and white woven coverlet and it’s freshly plumped pillows, I felt as if I was looking at someone else’s marriage bed and not my own. Surely I was not capable of making a bed. And cheerfully at that!

Immediately preceding my bed-making I had spent the morning with the children grooming them and playing with them and watching a movie with them in their play room. Now THAT is quite the departure from the “more simple life” yet in a way, it is our simple life. Actually, for a few days running we've done the "clean the room, eat our lunch outside, come inside and get cleaned up and then play a while, rest awahile and wait for daddy to come home" routine. While the baby rolled on the play room carpet and chewed on the Little People, I dressed and combed the hair of the girls and generally had a good time. We were watching a Christmas music video and were enjoying singing Christmas Carols even though it’s much too early for that. All Hallow’s Eve Day isn’t exactly the First Day of Christmas, but we love Christmas with all our hearts and so as soon as the first few breezes of Fall start to blow, out come the carols and videos and awa’ wi’ us.

A few moments ago, I ran to the kitchen for a “cuppa” and as I was making my tea – so different from then! – I surveyed my kitchen and realized we have SO much more to ease our troubles and make life convenient and yet we have less time for relaxation or at least we can’t find the time for relaxation. Nor are we satisfied with simple things like walks down the lane or a quiet night on the sofa watching the fireplace. We’ve become consumed by technology to the point that we’d much rather view a beautiful sunset in High Definition on a 42” television screen than walk outside and watch the real thing.

The game console with its’ online chat rooms has replaced lively get-togethers of friends to laugh and joke and converse. Now we use a web-cam to interact with people we barely know and tell our most intimate thoughts, dreams and aspirations via internet discussion fora. As a community we’ve largely become disjointed – disconnected from each other and from reality. We’ve traded simplicity and hope for technology and apathy. We don’t care for our fellow man because he’s just some amorphous being out “there” somewhere. We rarely know our neighbors even if we want to. Houses are shut up tight against the intrusion of unwanted door-to-door peddlers of foods, magazines, religion and what-not. Consequently we’re segmented as a society.

I count it as shameful that the closest friends I have (outside family) are internet friends – many of whom I’ve never seen in “real” life outside of their “signature” pictures. I’ve a passing acquaintance with a few of my neighbors (and their pets) as well as many shopkeepers downtown, but other than that, I don’t know many people. Of course there’s the moms at dance class… Which brings me to another topic…

Why is it we’re so overscheduled as a society? What benefit is there to having so many activities that we’ve scarcely time or room to breathe? Is it a consequence of “The 80s”? You know the time period when it was all-important to get so many activities on your high school transcript so that you could be looked upon favorably by the college of your choosing? At what point does the merry-go-round stop? When we all get sick to our stomachs and scream “Stop the world! I want to get off”?

I, for one, refuse to get on the merry-go-round in the first place. I’m not going there (so to speak). I like – nay – LOVE my slow little corner of the universe. And my high-speed internet connection. I’m such a hypocrite. I can’t live without my internet, but yet I can’t live without my quaint old house in my quaint old neighborhood where I drive my quaint retro car to our quaint little shops with their quaint little Wi-Fi connections.
My goal this season is to get out there and get to know – really know my town and it’s residents as best I can. While I will remain faithful to my email and my internet friends, know that I’m developing a sense of community in “real” life as well. I want to be able to draw the amorphous to the concrete. Give a sense of community to those who only “know” me by my “username” and get to know my community at large better. Through my own eyes and through the lens of my camera as well as through the power of the pen (or keyboard).

So I’m apologizing in advance if I’m away and don’t update like you think I should. I have a life and want to live it to it’s fullest potential, but I also want to share it with you. In the immortal words of Thumper’s Father to his long-eared son: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say nuthin’ at all”. So I’m off to find the good in the world. The redeeming. The higher, truer… The holy.

If that seems too lofty a goal, I say “You either find what you are looking for, or IT finds you”.

Don't Dress Your Six-Year-Old Like A Skank...

And Other Words of Delicate Southern Wisdom...

By Celia Rivenbark

Who is - in my estimation - the sassy reincarnation of Erma Bombeck (rest her soul). If I'd have written a best seller, THIS book would be it.

From pages 28 & 29:

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way - you, the mom on the cell phone flipping your check card to your kid so she can buy the jeans that say SPANK ME on them - but you're going down, bitch."

I would go so far as to us the scatalogical term Miss Celia does (and like all good Southern Girls call older, more mature women, I call her Miss Celia) but she is RIGHT on the money.
I've only gotten part ways through this pink-covered tome, but let me tell you something... I can't agree more with her if I WAS her. And let me tell you something else... Unless we mommas start complaining and raising cain/heck/hades/h-e-double-hockey-sticks with the retailers it's never going to change. Either that or y'all better learn to sew...

If detailed all the good parts of this book, I'd get sued for plagiarism. So do yourself a favor, click hereabouts

and buy yourself a copy. Because while you local library probably has 10,000 copies of some kind of romance novel, the probably won't have this one.

And while you are at it... Get your self a copy of Erma Bombeck, too! For your convenience, I've included a link right here:

Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession

What NOT to wear - AGAIN!

Only this time, my rant is not for myself, but on behalf of my children. Who aren't twins. I promise!

My children are diminutive in stature (as am I) AND width-wise (not like me)... They inherited my Mother-In-Law's size. Lucky kids. So now I'm having the darndest time shopping for them. Never mind the fact that Miss High Maintenance - The Younger Princess Ella - refuses to wear anything BUT a skirt/top or a dress. No pants. No shorts. Nada. Zip. Zilch. So off we go to FIND her something...

Today while on a shopping expedition worthy of note, Bealls (The self-proclaimed "Florida Store") had not ONE item that I deemed worthy of putting on my children in their sizes. Corduroy Jumpers with ELMO on them don't cut it around here. Besides which, who wants to wear a turtleneck and corduroy in 95° weather? We have flamingoes instead of reindeer, here folks. Let me say that I find it AMAZING that a “Florida” store sells clothing more appropriate to more northerly climes. I find it DOUBLE amazing that they don’t sell ONE item in a size 3/3T. Or a 2T. Or a 4T. 24 months? Check. 4? Check.

So what’s a doting mama to do? Check another store, of course! Marshall’s had NOTHING my child would see fit to wear and WHERE were the holiday dresses? Nowhere to be found! That’s where!

So after all that – and it was an adventure – I decided that for the same kind of money I would spend on A DRESS ($15-25) I could whip out at least TWO dresses (one per daughter) and save myself the aggravation of dealing with trying to find clothes that fit.

I ask you – why is it that fashionable grown-up clothes come in Size Negative 3 for all these malnourished teeny boppers who need to eat a meal or three a day, but childrens clothing is designed for miniature sasquatch? There’s an incredible disconnect here, folks!

Sigh…..

You may be asking yourself why you see these odd pictograms on your screen. They are - in fact - the Chinese characters for my children's Chinese names. Pronunciation is given below in color-coded links.

Why do your children have Chinese names? What are you - Some kind of Sino-phile?

Actually, no. My children have Chinese names because they are part Chinese! My husband is Chinese-Indonesian. His late father hailed from Fujien Province on the mainland of China. My husband's mother hails from Jakarta, Indonesia. Thus, our children are Primarily Chinese-Indonesian with a smattering of Irish-German-Indian thrown in for good measure on my side. This accounts for their good looks.

As my husband says, when you mix White and Asian it can go really really well - or really really BAD. We lucked out!

The Elder Princess Ella's Chinese Name

The Younger Princess Ella's Chinese Name
Prince Lorenzo's Chinese Name

Attack...

Of the stinky ballet shoes. Otherwise known as "A Day in the Life of an Almost Three Year Old".

The second Princess Ella recently discovered her elder sister's outgrown ballet shoes - of course it would be the cheap-a$$ pair from Payless and not the good Bloch ones, right? My second child has worn them DAY and NIGHT, only taking breaks to bathe for at least a week now. The shoes REEK. Who knew baby girls could SMELL that bad?

She wears them outside, she wears them inside, she wears them to garden (she's been wearing her gardening gloves almost 24/7, too), she wears them to SLEEP. I'm about at my remaining wit's end.

Why is it that 3 year olds LOVE to wear the same thing DAY IN and DAY OUT?! Is it some mysterious rite of passage?

And what is it about this child in particular that she MUST wear a dress or skirt - no shorts, no jeans, no jumpsuits, no pantsuits - at ALL times. Including to sleep. She would rather sleep in a dress she's worn all day than to wear *gasp* pyjamas. She'll wear a nightgown - and GOD HELP US if one isn't clean and ready to wear - with no complaints. But PJs? Shorts? Pants?

This morning I laid down the LAW. She WOULD wear the shorts and Wiggles t-shirt OR ELSE. Well, the or else was a screaming fit that lasted half an hour. It sounded something like this:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT A SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE IT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now this is the child that BARELY strings two words together to ask for anything - unlike the elder Princess Ella who is a regular chatterbox.

If someone has a clue as to why Threes act this way, I'd like to know. I've forgotten that part of Early Childhood Ed....

The Great Experiment - Part DEUX!

As stated before, we're working on a challenge to live off (read FOOD only) of roughly the amount of money a food stamp/wic recipient would get. In my aread that's about $601 a month for a family of five plus WIC benefits.

So, I'm starting a new weel tomorrow, Wednesday the 18th, and will be updating our progress from there. Now you may be asking yourself why we are attempting this challenge as it certainly isn't strictly NECESSARY for the survival of the Royal Family. It's just an exercise.

Also, we're trying to reduce the royal debt. Not that it's unwieldy, mind you. It's not. I'd just rather not have it at all. To that end, we've explored the Total Money MakeOver by Dave Ramsey and we frequent a forum called No More Debt.

The royal budget has been adjusted accordingly and we'll post our progress here.

So the update for the week:

Groceries at Target: $99.87
Minus the $5 check from Similac for a total out of pocket of: $94.87

Not bad considering we stocked up on formula (the big can on sale for $20, minus the $5 manufacturer check), seafood (on sale), muffin mixes, juice boxes (on sale), frozen pizzas (on sale) and so on. Also got pull-ups ($14.49 for 44) for about the same as the warehouse price… Makes me rethink that warehouse membership…

Got organic bananas!!! WAHOO 69¢ per pound so not that much more than conventional bananas. Got organic pasta sauce for less than a national brand. Another bonus! Got organic green onions, too, for the same price as conventional.

Combine that with what I defrosted and we’re going to be eating like KINGS for the next week.

For the record, here’s my receipt:

I just LOVE seeing all those little arrows pointing down and showing a SALE price. I scored some Coconut Shrimp for $5. MMMMMMMMMMM What a TREAT.

The Great Experiment...

UPDATE BELOW!

If you can imagine Professor Henry Higgins and Eliza Dolittle wrapped into one person, you've got the image about right of what I'm trying to do.

I'm attempting The Great Experiment until the last Tuesday in December. My weeks run Wednesday through Tuesday, so obviously this is why I'm ending the challenge the way I am.

The Great Experiment will be to use no more than $175 per week for groceries, as this is roughly the equivalent amount of money a recipient of food stamps/WIC would receive as I mentioned in my previous entry.

Now we started Week One a little late. The reason being is that Wednesday is the day the ladies lunch. There are 5 of us (and Prince Lorenzo, poor guy) who go out to lunch: Myself and the Princesses Ella, The Dowager Empress (my mom - a force to be reckoned with) and HER mother... The Dowager-Dowager Empress.

Our luncheon date was set for Noon at Big Boy (tres chic, non?) and so the Royal Entourage wended our way to the Royal Treasury (aka The Bank) and withdrew the appropriate fundage for the week. That's One Hundred Seventy Five George Washingtons in case you weren't paying attention.

Luncheon - The bill was $37.35 of which I kicked in a $20 bill for our portion rather than pay the WHOLE thing or let mom foot the bill (she paid the last two times and I think I paid the last 5).

Post-luncheon we adjourned to Target for some provisions:

Milk - $2.94

Eggs - $1.62

Juice - $.74

Butter - $2.49

Lite Canned Fruit (Peaches, Pears, Fruit Cocktail) - $.84 each

Similac Advance Formula - $23.99

Arnold's Raisin Bread - $2.89 (OUCH!)

Bananas - $.33 for two

Deli Ham - $4.49

Sandwich Bread - $1.05

Fruity Cheerios - $2.69

Organic Broccoli - $1.99

Organic Green Beans - $2.49

Cole Slaw Mix (NOT Organic) - $1.59

Organic Carrots - $1.99

Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix - $.37

Jiffy Blueberry Muffin Mix - $.47

Two boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix for my cake class - $.89 each

And a few things not on the list but quite necessary:

• Scar cream (Target brand was half the price of Mederma and the pharmacist told me they were basically the same) - $7.99 (instead of $13.99 - I would've bought the store brand anyways, but there you go)
• Birthday card for Nana from ME - $2.99
• Birthday card for Nana from the kids - $2.49

Total Damage: 68.82 Of which $5 was paid via a year and a half old gift card!

So my total for groceries for the week: $64.22 Not too shabby. Especially considering I had promised the girls ONE thing from the Dollar Tree if they could comport themselves properly during lunch and groceries (which they did).

So off we hied ourselves to the Dollar Tree to acquire:

One Item per girl as promised ($2)

One roll gift wrap for Nana's birthday present ($1)

One pack of tissue for Nana's birthday present ($1)

One gift box for Nana's birthday present ($1)

One pack of straws for the kitchen ($1)

One bag of cat food ($1) - the cat is SOL if she doesn't like the cheap food

One pocket calendar for the kids to give Nana for her birthday ($1)

Two mermaid coloring books for the girls' Christmas stockings ($2)

One 4-pack of Disney's Little Mermaid Crayons for the girls' Christmas stockings ($1)

Total Damage: $11.77

We are now set for the week/weekend with $79.01 left to eat out, buy extra groceries with and so forth... OR I could just stick it in my sock drawer until I need it...

The most pricelss part of it all?

Nana's birthday gift/cards cost me $4. Yup. Four bucks. The outfit I'm giving her was a hand made dress that I can't wear/have never worn. It will fit her well and is her color and style (so not mine).

UPDATE:

Last night was Class 1 of Wilton Level III Cake Decorating. To treat myself to a little somethig before class (dinner would be at least anouther 2.5 hours away), I splurged and spent $1.77 at Checkers for a Chocolate Milk Shake. At the beginning of class, I noticed I was short a bag. Cost - $4.32. While this should have come from any alowance or blow money, as I only had grocery money on me and I'm firmly resolved NOT to whip out Ye Olde American Express ever again... I paid CASH.

Total Left: $72.98

This should last us through the weekend and up to Tuesday night with some creativity.

Dinner tonight is Crockpot Beef & Peppers, hold the Peppers.
Tomorrow we're taking my mom out to lunch ($30 max)
Sunday is Brunch ($25 max)
And then Monday & Tuesday eating back at home I should have a wee bit left over!

I'll update as we go...

UPDATED AGAIN:

We ended up not eating as scheduled above...

Instead, Friday we went out to Chick-Fil-A for lunch - I can't find the receipt, but it was around $20. Let's just say $20 even.

Then Saturday we had lunch at Chili's - $21.95 including tax and tip.
A quick run to Target for chicken - $5.15
Dollar Tree - $6.42
Postage - $7.80
McDonald's for breakfast yesterday - $10
Dinner at Pollo Tropical - $14.90 (including a $1 donation to toys for tots).
A vintage table cloth for my business - $4.28

The total food portion of the week's spending: $165.74

I reimbursed myself from the checking account for the non-food items - especially postage! - as this challenge is all about GROCERIES only.

As you can see, we managed to eat out numerous times and still have plenty of food at home.

So Mr Kansas newspaper food editor, I think you need to take a lesson from The Empress.

Stay tuned for NEXT WEEK'S udpate...

How To Eat On Food Stamps

In a recent Kansas newspaper article, the food editor took the challenge to live on the amount of money a single person receives for food stamps (apprx $5.53/day). He stated that on that kind of money it was nearly impossible to have a wide variety of foods or fresh produce. I'm going to challenge that assertion and go one step further.

Since I don't live in Kansas, I'm going to use the quidelines for my state (Florida). I've googled the benefit amount for food stamps and I'm left using the USDA Approximate Max Benefit for my family size. If one is eligible for food stamps, one is also eligible for WIC, as well, so I'll be factoring that in.

The max benefit in food stamps alone for my family size (5 people) is $601/month ($140/week) or roughly $4/day per person (less than the amount that the editor in Kansas received per capita). However when you factor in the milk, cheese, eggs, peanut butter, infant formula & fruit and vegetable juices available using WIC, then that $601 will go a LOT farther.

As I said, there are five of us: 2 adults, one 4.5 year old, one 2.5 year old and one 7 month old. Lucky us, we qualify for WIC for THREE people! At least until the oldest turns 5... (Had to edit that typo as it was leading to some confusion)

Now about our spending habits:

We don't buy pre-prepared foods that often, and I buy organic as much as possible. I have one child in pull-ups and one in diapers. I buy "solution-free chicken" and we don't buy ice cream (except for birthdays) or sodas. Basically, we shop the outside aisles of the grocery store. We only buy real juice (nothing less than 100% juice) and real butter. I don't clip coupons as that would mean I'd have to pay for the newspaper and even if I did clip coupons, none of the stores in my area double/triple coupons anyways.

So off to the (virtual) grocery store we go... I'll only be buying things we normally buy at stores we normally shop. Unlike the folks in the midwest, we don't have Aldi's or Tradxer Joe's (poor us). We do have Save-A-Lot, but the closest one is not open yet. It's been under construction for about 6 months now.

This week at Winn Dixie the following are BOGO or on sale:

Pork Chops - $3 for 2 pounds (two dinners for 4)
Split Chicken Breasts - $2.59 for 2 pounds (two dinners for 4)
5 pound bag of Red or Gold Potatoes - $3.99 for two bags (AT LEAST 2 weeks worth of potatoes)
Iceberg Lettuce - $2 for two
Sliced Mushrooms - $2 for two packs (8 oz. each)
Kraft Cheese - 2 for $5 (cheese sandwiches for lunch for 2 weeks) and this is FREE with WIC
V8 Juice - 2 for $5 and this is FREE with WIC (enough for one week)
Juicy Juice - 3 for $6 (also free with WIC)
Store Brand Bread - 99 cents/loaf (one week's worth of lunch sandwiches/toast)
Tilapia Filets (frozen) - $5.99 for 2 packs of 4-5 fillets (2 dinners and 1 lunch)
1 pound of Strawberries - 2 for $5 (enough for a week of pancakes, oatmeal with fresh fruit and sides with lunch)
Cabbage - 39 cents/pound
3 pound bag of yellow onions - $1.79
Large Eggs - 69 cents/dozen (one week's worth of omelets, breakfast and quiche)
1 pound of bacon - $1.38 (at least a week if not more)

Regular Price items:

Organic Milk - $3.24/half gallon (1 week's worth). WIC allows 2 gallons/week of regular milk at $2.95/gallon. Let's say I only get ONE gallon of *regular* milk.
Baby Formula - $25/can (1 week's worth) - FREE with WIC.
5 pound bag of Flour - $1.99
5 pound bag of Sugar - 99 cents

Now let's assume I want to drive a little further and ADD to my grocery list...

At Albertson's there are the following deals this week:

SPAM 10 for $10 (Normally S1.99/can)
Progresso Soups 10 for $10 (Normally $2.29/can)
Italian Sausage $1.99/pound - ONE pound is two meals for 4 of us + 1 lunch
3 pound bag of Yellow Onions - TWO for $3 - cheaper than Winn Dixie by about a buck over all.
Sweet Potatoes - 89 cents/pound

Canned goods range around 50 cents each on average depending on what you are getting. Let's say I buy $5 worth.

Frozen veggies can be $5 for 4 packs and that will last a week or two depending on the vegetable - I'll get $5 worth of those, too.

Diapers are $5.74/pack at Target (1 week) - I cloth diaper about 50% of the time and when I do, that $5.74 lasts for TWO weeks

Pull-Ups are $15/pack pretty much everywhere (1 week)

So let's say I buy EVERYTHING on my list... That comes to 136.07 WITHOUT taking WIC into consideration AT ALL. And you won't see ANY Tuna Casserole in there. The other things that aren't listed are:

Peanut Butter
Dried Beans
Rice
Pasta
Canned Tuna
Condiments
Cleaning Supplies
and so on...

But if you factor in the WIC amounts (a savings of approximately $45.33), you'll see that the 140/week will go PLENTY far if you just choose the right things to cook. There's even fruits/veggies in there in the recommended daily amounts for everyone!

Another largely untapped resource is the Dollar Tree. I kid you not. You can often find canned goods/cereal/juice cheaper there than at the grocery and I've not noticed any sizeable difference in quality. I can get a HUGE can of Mangos for a buck and I can't even GET THAT AT ALL at my local grocery. I also get national branded cleaning supplies for a bargain basement price.

Shall We Dance? NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I bought this 2CD/DVD set for my husband for Valentine's Day 2005 thinking it would be so great (such a deal). It was $10 at Target and so I thought I got off cheap...

Bear in mind that we're both accomplished dancers and musicians and I have a background in video production and choreography. What does that mean to you, gentle reader? Well, it means that we know what's what. That's what. In other words, we know the difference between good and bad with relationship to ballroom dancing, ballroom music, choreoraphy and video production. So why am I telling you this?

Here's why. Hands down this is the most horrific train wreck of a video I've EVER seen. and I've seen some doozies.The art direction, costuming, set direction, choreography that doesn't match the music, direction, writing and editing are WORSE than Ed Wood. And if you don't know who that is, I suggest you google it! There you go! I've already given you a link to it.

Further more, there were serious errors in the subtitles... For instance:

• Eddie Simon was labeled Eddie SimonS
• Frenesi was listed as Frensi
• Mas Que Nada was listed as Mais Que Nada
• Just A Gigolo was labeled Zoot Suit Riot

Just to name a few. Combine that with the dancers heads and arms and feet being cut off, pillars and plants obscuring the view and it's a recipe for disaster. Never mind the eye blistering lighting and set design that looked like a bad 1980s nightmare (think Flashdance and the exotic dance scene with the water bucket)...

I'm sure that the producer/writer/director didn't MEAN for this to be viewed as a comedy, but is was THAT bad. Jump cuts that came out of nowhere, effects that came out of nowhere, sets that left you going "Huh? What's that supposed to be?"... The whole thing was a MESS. Which leads me to believe that the "producer/writer/director" must have gotten his degree in video out of a Cracker Jack box.

The video is SO bad that I feel that we should have been PAID $10 to watch this thing rather than pay $10 to buy it. When I was a kid, I made better home movies using ye olde VHS camera (the kind that was huge and had to be plugged into a VCR to work).

Moving on the the CDs... There's two of 'em. They aren't exactly suck-worthy, but they are close. Now I can't fault the 101 Strings Orchestra too much... They are actually quite good. Sure the music is kind of old school compared to most modern ballroom music but even so I can enjoy it. What drives me abso-frakking-lutely nuts is the Tango CD (Disc 2). There's more than one track (but Jalousie/Jealousy is the worst for this) where the rhythm track/percussion is SEVERLY off time with the REST of the orchestra.

It was so noticeable that it made me start to twitch. And that doesn't happen easily. Now if this weren't being marketed as DANCING music, it might not be such a problem, but how on EARTH is one to dance to music that is intrinsically off time/beat? Answer... Are you ready?

YOU DON'T!

So we don't listen to the CDs anymore. Fine, so a DVD of Ballroom Dancing with World Champs is a GOOD thing to find for $10. But even that is a major let down because of the ROTTEN, despicable, abhorrent, ridiculously bad production value.

And before you ask me if I'm so opinionated could I do better... I can and I HAVE.

So do yourselves all a favor and run FAR away from this thing. I'd hate for anyone to see it and think that is what ballroom dancing/culture is like.

What Not To Wear - Pilot Episode

This Week's Installment of "What Not To Wear" focuses on "Finding Your Personal Style".

• Do you have a favorite time period/era in history?
• Are there particular colors or textures you gravitate towards?
• Do you know what looks good on YOU?
• What makes you "feel like a million in a million ways"?

If you can answer those questions FIRST, then you are well on your way to becoming a WNTW-savvy person.

It's taken me a LONG time to define my personal style. A lifetime. But then, that's the whole point. My defining style can loosely be classified as "Vintage Redux". I've always had a soft spot in my heart for vintage/retro styles from the 30s-60s. I like to take a bit of this and a bit of that and merge it together - with sometimes disatrous results. I fancied myself the heroine of "Molly Ringwald" movie from the 80s... Let's just say that it wasn't that attractive on me.

Fast forward 20 years (and it feels REALLY WEIRD saying that!)...

I've found a variety of "real" vintage patterns (not re-releases) that have inspired me as well as repro stuff that is easier to work with (printed instead of notched, correct sizes etc). I've also found some resources for pattern drafting that have been invaluable.

I will enumerate more on that in later episodes.

For now, go browse Vogue magazine or the internet to find the latest fashion trends. Rip out pictures, print them out, make notes, see what you like, what you hate and then get back to me.

How To Fold Underwear

Recently at one of my online discussion groups, the question of how to fold underwear - in one folds at all - was asked. Being the person I am, I replied with a bulleted list in detail, but realized that a pictorial review would be the best way to illustrate my point.

Thus, we have the following for your enlightenment.

In order, steps 1-4, the finished product turned right side up and how they look in situ.

1. Face Down - Waist Up
   
   
2. Step One
   
   
3. Step Two
   
   
4. Step Three
   
   
5. Final Product - Face Up
   
   
6. Final Product - In Situ