What Not To Wear...

...or the story of my life. Let's face it, girls. Clothing manufacturers are out to get us. Or, if they aren't, they're doing a FINE job of hiding it. Like this season's "hottest" new look. The Audrey Hepburn-inspired look. Now don't get me wrong, I think Audrey Hepburn was GORGEOUS and her style was so classic. On her. But pencil skirts and slim cut trousers look good on just about NO ONE. At least not the "average" American woman (a size 12 if you believe the media). I'm willing to bet the "average" American woman is more like a size 22 (at least from the sampling in MY area of the country).

So what's a curvy girl to wear? Well, I'm a loss. Really. If it weren't that I'm taking happy pills to even me out and help my anxiety and depression, a quick rummage through my dresser and closet most likely would've sent me off to the funny farm for sure. Let's just say in the last 6 years I've gained *roughly* 40 pounds. Give or take a pound or 10. In my defense, I can honestly say IT'S ALL MY HUSBAND'S FAULT. Or not. Actually, I gained that weight gradually over the course of 6 years and 3 pregnancies. And I can feel it ALL OVER my body.

So, taking stock of what WAS in my dresser and closet we *had*:

• A pile of maternity clothes as tall as I am. That's 5'2" if anyone is interested. And I don't plan on being pregnant in the NEAR future even if those clothes do look good on me!
• A garbage bag FULL of negligees, PJs, pantyhose, girdles and the like.
• A few blouses that won't fit over the boobs any more. Breastfeeding grew mine and they just won't shrink. Gee... That's too bad isn't it?

In my closet, I had a stash of dresses - maternity dresses that is. And as much as I "heart" my maternity clothes, by 6 months post-partum, it's time to retire them.

We have a very small closet (1920s vintage) and so my husband (the clothes-horse) takes up all but about 6" worth of closet rod. Luckily (?!) I don't own much that needs hanging, so it's not that big of a deal.

I'm on a quest for clothes that FIT and FLATTER. And this is *so* not about vanity. It's about practicality and sanity. It's a little known fact that if you look better, you feel better. So psychologically speaking, if you wear clothes that look good on you should feel good, right? RIGHT! So what happens when all your clothes make your friends want to call up the folks a Ambush Makeover, What Not To Wear and shows like them? They make you feel like CRAP. That's what. And I'm SO not about that feeling.

Now my quest may be Quixotic. I'm hoping not, though. I'm arming myself with a decent battery of vintage patterns, a decent working knowledge of how to sew and a fistful of coupons to Joann Fabrics. I figure with these, I can create something a little unique ( <-- a GOOD thing) that will be classic and FIT fergoodnesssakes. 'Cause there's no amount of medication in the world that will cure the despondency that happens when you try to shop in the department that fits your style but doesn't fit your size.

Stay tuned for "Project Runway: The Incredible Adventure of a Girl and Her Sewing Machine"

Welcome to Lifestyles of the Not-So-Rich and only Mildly Famous...

aka a photojournal of our home. I'll walk you through room by room so you can see the little house I'm so proud of. I'll be updating this once I have more pictures of the demesne of the Princesses Ella and Prince Lorenzo the Magnificent. You might even be lucky to spot them - somewhat like Waldo - lurking in some of these photos.

Onward!



The exterior and gardens



The Front Hall



The Living Room - The North/South walls are green and the East/West walls are blue

The Kitchen

The Bathroom (NOT the Throne Room)

The Royal Bed Chamber

Some Assembly Required - AKA The story of my life...

Bounce Bounce Baby, Too Cool!

This thing is the Best Kid's Product Ever. OK, so it's not an official award or nuthin' but seriously, I found this toy to be AbFab! From the printed directions, to ease of setup to the way Lorenzo the Magnificent LOVES IT, it's a super cool thing!

I *rarely* write reviews of products. In fact, I read them way more than write them. I think this may be one of three? I've ever written. Maybe I'll write more, but who knows.

First of all, the directions for this product were EXCELLENT. The diagrams were perfectly clear and understandable. The English instructions were actually written by someone who spoke English as a first language. There were no egregious errors in spelling or punctutation - including Hyper-Apostrophis (excessive use of the Apostrophe). All diagrams were CLEARLY labeled and matched the parts they referred to.

Secondly, all the parts actually fit into each other properly. You know "Insert Tab A Into Slot B". Obviously, care was taken to make sure that all parts fit where, when and how they were supposed to. This is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. My husband (from SE Asia) has a phrase that he uses when referring to things that aren't made well: "Made in China piece of $#!t". He contends that the Chinese factories can not make things that go together properly. Unlike his mom's factory... Maybe it's Nationalism or something, I dunno.

Third, the thing functions exactly how it is supposed to. All the sounds, parts, etc came out of the box in GOOD sound working order. And it has an OFF switch for the noisy parts. What more can a mom ask for?

Oh yeah... The price. This one was $39.99 from Target. I was willing to spend up to $80 for a similar item, but couldn't find one that wasn't a "saucer" type thing (a dangerous thing in a house with 3 curious kids) or had large parts to take up WAY too much room in our cozy little bungalow. So, I settled for this and figured the worst that could happen was it would suck royally and I'd take it back.

This thing is SUCH a winner! Even the older two want to play with it. YAY!

Living like No One Else... So We can Live Like No One Else.

I'm not trying to rip of Dave Ramsey. Much as I like a good yo-ho every once in a while, what I mean by co-opting his slogan is that when we live like no one else - regardless of the motivation or the impementation, we will live like no one else in the long run.

While I'm no Dave-groupie and we don't strictly follow the Total money Makeover concept (you'll pry my AmEx from my cold dead fingers), Dave has a lot of good things to say. I know that my mindset has changed remarkably after being influenced by a group of people who follow Dave and help others get the financial lives fixed up.

I want to apply this catch-phrase to life more broadly than just in a financial sense. I was pondering this phrase yesterday (or the day before - I can't remember) while waiting with Lorenzo the Magnificent at the Pediatrician's office for his 6month well visit. I pondered how different our lives are than that of even our closest family members. I'm not saying we have a better life or that we're morally superior in any way, just that we truly do live like no one else we know.

I don't know many people who have made the choices we have. We're the laughing stock of our family because we don't have cable. Nope, not even with the 42" HDTV. I can't see paying $60+ a month for not even true HDTV signal when I can get it for free (over 17 channels, TYVM).

We don't go to the movies. Maybe once a year? Separately? Again, for the rpice of two movie tickets we can get a whole month of Netflix, TYVM. But it's not even really about the money. I can take that or leave it.

We chose to homeschool our kids. That in itself is pretty radical (or crunchy or whatever you want to call it). I know a few families online who HS - or as I like to call it Home Educate, but locally? One family for sure I know who homeschools. It's not that I think that I'm better than the school system (well, actually, there is a bit of that) or that we're isolationist whack jobs (not likely here), it's just that my experience with the public AND private school systems were completely lackluster. I didn't fit in because of my age/ability with relation to the peer group of the grade I was in. It sucks to be a 14 year old whiz kid in a class full of 16/17 year olds who've had to repeat that grade and still aren't cutting it... or be asked to leave a class because you are "ruining the curve". Knowing my children as well as I do - they are carbon copy composites of my husband and I - they'd be bored out of their mind in a traditional school setting. So, we will challenge them to learn like no one else - so they can learn like no one else.

We bought a home that was well within our means using no creative financing. How is that radical? Well, I plan on being taken out of here in a pine box and being buried in my back yard. We bought a home. Not a house, not an investment property, not a starter home. A HOME. You know, that place where the heart is? We bought an older home with it's share of fixes needed. Frankly after some of the exposes on the news in our area, I'm pretty sure my house is more solid than most new construction going up. We weathered Hurrican Charley as it ripped through our yard at ~110mph and we lost ONE roof shingle. The original sash windows held up with no plywood needed. We hunkered down in the hallway and felt the wind whoosh up through the hardwood floors. It was an experience we'll never forget. I think in some ways, we became one with our house in that moment. We know our neighbors (some crazy - across the street diagonally, some nosy - next to crazy, some noisy - behind nosy, some nice - next door, some annoying as H-E-double hockey sticks - next door on the other side of us) but it's a NEIGHBORHOOD.

I can remember looking at a new McMansion development (fell in love with the model home) and when I enquired about the house I was told by the sales office that it was "too small for you [us]" because at 3/2 it was a "starter" home and not a "family" home. I've perfected Miss Manners' "look" and the sales agent got a good helping of it. The eyebrow went up and I asked him "So you are basically saying that my current home of 1470 sf in which I am currently raising a family is not a family home? How house-ist" and I flounced out of the office. I can do more in my 1470 sf under heat and air than some people can do in 3000 sf. 'Cause I'm a wooooooman. W-O-M-A-N. I'll say it again...

You might find part of my story similar to yours in some way. After all, humanity has a lot in common. But one thing we all have in common is a wide range of emotional responses to different stimuli. In a way, we all live like no one else - so long as we stay true to who we really are and not try to maintain the stereotypical status quo.

No they aren't twins!

Or if they are, that's the world's longest pregnancy of record....

So sue me. I'm guilty of dressing the Princesses Ella in identical clothing. But if you really look at them past a cursory glance, you'd see that there is NO WAY they are twins.

First of all, to be twins, they'd have to be IDENTICAL. And they aren't.

For one thing, the elder Princess Ella has very olive skin. She looks like her daddy. She has a blockhead (in more ways that one, trust me) and is a head taller than the younger Princess Ella.

The younger Princess Ella is very slight of frame and is PALE like a ghost. She looks like my Mother In Law - very petite. Her face shape is quite oval/heart shaped.

Never mind the fact that the elder is 4+ years old and the younger is 2.5+ years old. I just stare at people like they have two heads when they ask this question now. Sometimes it's just better for me to keep my mouth shut before I spew all manner of "I can't believe what an idiot you are" kind of responses. Or I have to look at my keychain fob which says "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person".

Does Pink Always Equal Girl?

When exactly was it that PINK was set as the default for girls and BLUE for boys?

Now I asked myself this question shortly after I discovered the gender of Lorenzo the Magnificent. And lest you be confused, I mean BEFORE he was born (I'd be in bad shape if I didn't figure that out until sometime AFTER he was born, now wouldn't I ?).

I found that I ABHOR baby blue in every form it can take. I prefer shades of turquoise, green and yellow for a boy baby. I mean seriously folks, does a boy baby suddenly lose his penis if he wears something other than baby blue or something with some form of team sport emblazoned on it?

While I was shopping for Lorenzo for things to wear shortly after birth, I found a BLUE million (muhahahahah) things in baby blue bedecked with baseball, basketball, football, soccer and whatnot but try to find ANYTHING in some other color.... Well.... there weren't any to be found.

I did find some cute stuff that was not so explicitly ... over-compensating but I was wondering where the "Daddy's Little Ass Kicker" martial arts t-shirts were. I mean I saw plenty of "Daddy's Little ", but not much else.

I guess part of my color angst is derived from the fact that BOTH of the Princesses Ella were always asked if they were girls FROM BIRTH. Now pardonnez moi, but the girls had LONG thick hair with HAIR BOWS in PINK or LAVENDAR in them and earrings to boot. After a while, I got to the point of answering this way when asked "What a cute little... Is that a girl or a boy?"

Are you ready for it? Here it is...

Well, if she was a boy, she'd probably be pretty screwed up as an adult for wearing pink hair bows and earrings and DRESSES wouldn't she?

Maybe I'm just pretty snarky, but after going through this twice, I was done. Stick a fork in me.

So fast forward ac ouple of kids and here's Lorenzo the magnificent. He's decked out in manly clothes - like a SUIT. I get the following:

"What a cute little.... That's a boy right?"

OY! I can't win for losing. Of course, in his defense, he is the world's cutest baby EVER. Long lovely eyelashes and all. But there's NO WAY you could confuse him for a girl.

Suri Cruise - eat your heart out!

How the other half lives...

Or rather, what the Royal Family does for entertainment.

I'm sure you all must be overwhelmed with curiosity as to how we spend our time when we aren't pondering the mysteries of the universe and wacing poetic about them here.

Well, wonder no longer for I am about to enlighten you.

In a nutshell, we have no life. Let me explain. We have an Xbox 360. And a 42" HDTV. We don't need a life beyond that, right?

Actually, both the Empress and the Prince Consort are AVID gamers. We have fights (well not fights exactly) but *discussions* over who gets to use the Xbox and the "loser" has to go play on the PC.

Our current listing of games in circulation would look something like this:

• Need For Speed Most Wanted (aka NFS Most Wannabe)
• Burnout Revenge
• EA Fight Night 3

(Gotta love having a GameFly subscription)

And from the Xbox Live Arcade:

• Galaga
• Street Fighter II Hyper Fighting
• Uno
• Hexic HD
• Pac Man

Lest you think we are unidimensional, we also have a NEtflix subscription that keeps us well entertained (and saves us a prodigious amount of the benjamins on cable) so we can keep up with our favorite current TV series(es).

They are in no particular order:

• Battlestar Galactica (the NEW ONE)
• 24
• Lost
• Desperate Housewives
• Grey's Anatomy
• Boston Legal
• ST: Enterprise
• ST: Voyager

Along with these current hit shows, there are also the classics which keep ME entertained (camp and other) such as:

• Wonder Woman
• Buck Rogers in the 25th Century
• Star Trek - The Original Series
• Knight Rider
• The Greatest American Hero
• Charlie's Angels

and so on...

Life doesn't get any better than this, actually.

We also get 17+ channels of HDTV programming over-the-air (aka FREE) via the $20 rabbit ears that the Prince Consort found at Target.

Prince Lorenzo is a bumGenius!

You might ask what exactly is a *bum*Genius?!?! And how did Prince Lorenzo become one? Is it a good thing?

Well, here is the answer to all your questions and even more.

bumGenius! (Yes, my dear reader that is a proper name and thus given the respect it deserves) is the brainchild of Jenn (aka DoulaJenn) owner of Cotton Babies - cottonbabies.com. But what IS IT *exactly* you may ask?

Simply put, one of the finest cloth diapers I've ever seen (and I've seen a few). bumGenius! is a one-size-fits-most reusable cloth diapering solution that makes cloth diapering a cinch. Made of waterproof nylon on the outside and a suedecloth (or microfleece if you are one of the lucky ones who can score one) inner, bumGenius! has a nifty pocket for holding a microfibre insert that absorbs all the liquid stuff and the more solid stuff washes off easily.

bumGenius! come in four colors: twilight (aka Blue), grasshopper (aka Green), butternut (aka Yellow) and white. My particular favorite is the grasshopper variety. Reminds me of a line from a movie or something, I guess.

My first foray into the world of cloth diapering (hereinafter known as "CDing") began with the Younger Princess Ella. After weathering diaper rash and whatnot, I switched to the "el cheapola method" aka Gerber Prefolds, Scary Diaper Pins and Plastic Pants. I figured that it couldn't be that hard, blah blah blah. After a while, I acquired some of the more chichi style of cloth diapers (herinafter referred to as CD). You know the ones... FuzziBuns and their ilk. I bought some cutesy ones for the Younger Princess Ella figuring she'd be my last (ha ha). And it was good.

Until the dryer died. And so I began washing then hanging to dry. And it was good. Until the washer died. And so I outsourced my laundry. Now I'd send a LOT to the laundry service, but NOT cloth diapers. Fast forward about 2 years. Great with child and anticipating flushing another few thousand dollars in diapers and wipes over a few year period - and having a fully functional washer and dryer again - I contemplated CDing once more. I sorted and washed the CD I had on hand. But I felt as if there had to be something MORE to CDing than what there already was.

And behold an angel of the CD came and spake unto me:

Behold the bumGenius! who takes away the agony of cloth diapering.
Blessed will you be if you try at least ONE for two weeks. You won't be
out anything if you don't like it.

Who am I to argue with an angelic visitor, right? And so it came to pass that a son was born and the one bumGenius! (in white) that I had purchased was tried. And lo the baby smiled each time it was put on while making pouty faces when having to wear the less desirable disposable diaper. And to prove it was the bumGeniuis! making him happy and not just any old diaper, I tried OTHER CD and he was Not A Happy Camper. And so I purchased 3 more bumGenius! (one in each color) for a total of 4. And so pleased were we that I purchased TWELVE MORE (3 of each color & white).

And so without further ado, may I present Prince Lorenzo Il Magnifico in his butternut bumGenius! He looks quite dahsing and manly even if he IS wearing yellow.



Also, please not the matching yellow duckies on the front of his onesie. it wouldn't do for the heir to the throne to be anything less than color coordinated.